The Ten Commandments REMIX

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Actual Ten Commandments (Exodus 20:2-14)

  1. Thou shalt not have no other Gods before me.
  2. Thou shalt not make idols or worship them.
  3. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.
  4. Remember the Sabbath Day (Saturday) and keep it Holy
  5. Honor thy father and thy mother, so that you’ll live long.
  6. Thou shall not kill.
  7. Thou shall not commit adultery.
  8. Thou shall not steal.
  9. Thou shall not lie.
  10. Thou shall not covet thy neighbour’s house: neither shalt thou desire his wife, nor his servant, nor his handmaid, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is his.

Republican Ten Commandments

  1. Thou shalt protect the Christian faith and malign other religions.
  2. Thou shalt amass as much wealth as possible, for wealth is a sign of God’s love and admiration.
  3. Thou shalt outlaw abortion and homosexuality and persecute offenders mercilessly.
  4. Thy shalt ferociously combat the practice of the dark art of climate science and its wicked lies. You shall create alternative facts and theories in their stead and indoctrinate your children with them so that they will know the light of God.
  5. Honor thy rifle and thy handgun, so that you’ll stay safe and your days will be long on the Earth.
  6. Thou shalt not kill, unless:
    • You perceive an attack from a menacing-looking person.
    • A birth occurs where the mother will surely die, unless the child is aborted. Thus, because the baby is more valuable to God than the mother, the mother must be killed to save the child.
    • Someone steps on your property unsolicited and you feel threatened.
    • A military operation is necessary to protect the country’s security and/or gain control of large reserves of oil and other geopolitical assets.
  7. Thou shalt find the finest pieces of ass available: men, women and even high-school girls if that pleases you. But remember, it is easier for a camel to the enter the eye of a needle than for an affair with a porn star to be kept quiet.
  8. Thou shall not steal physical private property but if it is for the greater good, elections, supreme court appointees and souls may be stolen.
  9. Thou shall not admit wrongdoing.
  10. Thou shalt lust for all that your senses show you, for it will drive you towards the pleasures of the Kingdom of Heaven.

Humanist Ten Commandments

  1. Thou shalt not impose your religion, or lack thereof, on anyone else. All religions should be respected equally, including non-believers.
  2. Thou shalt find your passion and you must contribute to the world around you with your gifts.
  3. Do not cower to political correctness, but don’t offend for the sake of offense.
  4. Do not cause the deprivation of another’s human being’s rights, dignity or welfare.
  5. Honor your parents along with everyone you meet. Treat everyone around you equally, with respect, and without prejudice or fear.
  6. Thou shall not take another born person’s life, unless they are suffering from a terminal illness and wish to legally end their life with dignity.
  7. Thou shall not cheat on your significant other. You shall not get married too young before you are intellectually mature enough or for the sole purpose of saving sex for marriage. Do not use casual sex as a substitute for intimacy.
  8. Thou shall not steal in any capacity.
  9. Thou shall not lie, including lying by omission.
  10. Thou shalt not rape or harm/molest children. All sexual acts should be done with mutual consent between two or more legal adults and without the use of substances.


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